Double it, double it again.

it gets so loud here, when i remember

the volume of memories, rushing through
with a sound like film, clattering
a projection, projecting history, my own
slippery with the scum of the past wait
rewind
everything is clear for a moment, moire vanishing
all at once but it passes too fast, I can't
link them together
let me see! i need to understand where i was
your hands reaching for me and somehow i was
never there when i needed to be
our paths diverged, not in a wood
the trees had nothing to do with it, they grow
honestly, leaves fluttering in the stray breezes
i am standing in a meadow, the sun is too bright
nowhere near anywhere, but i can hear voices
gathering in the distance

When you look

I don't know how much longer I can do this, if I'm being really honest with you. I don't know how much longer I can pretend that I'm happy being, well, this. It isn't my fault, no one knows how we end up the ways we do. If my skin is blue instead of brown like my siblings, well, they can say I was cursed, but isn't it more likely that it was some ancestor? Or maybe closer, my mother? Who's to say she's been honest about it. It wouldn't be the first set of lies she told me, or even the most consequential.

I don't know. All I want at this point is to be allowed to be what I am meant to be, whatever that is. If I'm hellspawn, then I'm hellspawn, and I'll deal with that in my own way.