Only on Tuesdays.

the scent of your fur changed days ago
but i've been mourning you for years
there is a fine haze concealing the sun
ash floating in the air
i can excuse my red eyes and not explain.

---
...I want to have more to say but all I can think is that it was time, it was easy, you let go without a struggle. My heart feels heavy, but it's an gentle enough weight to bear.

Now we wash your things and carry on without.

Strangeways lost me going somewhere
walking on and into the drift of your attention
I haven't got a leg to stand on
nothing going, nowhere doing
my hands are still at my sides

it's difficult to tell whether I care or do not care, even for me.

loneliness and pride and despair
sadness and fear and repetition of desires

I have been told many things about myself

The two most common are that I am small and weak

And that I am frightening and dangerous


I hate both in equal measure


I am neither, ultimately. I want people to know that I am as afraid as they are, or rather, I wish that I didn't have to tell them that. I wish people could just accept me and let me exist and not crush me under the weight of their expectations.

I hate being told that I am small, even in admiring terms. I like being made of twigs and leaves, I like not taking up much space. I hate being reminded that my state is one that people desire because it appeals to the greater public aesthetic. I hate being reminded that the gap between my actual state and my internal sensation is so vast.

And I do not like being told that I am dangerous. Full stop. I know when the things I say may reflect badly on others. I know when teasing is too much. There's a reason I don't tease more.

cut it out cut it out cut it out cut it all

To be clear, it's not that I have regrets. Well.

Not entirely. Knowing now the consequences, there are certainly still things I might do,

With you
(probably)

I might let you touch me
I might be tempted to ask what if

What if I didn't
Or what if I did

There are things I would not permit, damage I would prefer
to avoid, if I could
(probably)

I would forbid myself from letting my life be chewed away
Mouthful by sweet and tender mouthful

For certain.
That change, I would make.