Tuesdays...

[alasanon]

are sometimes things you wait impatiently for. I don't know why I've become so fond of taking my Tuesday-time and writing nonsense here, but I have. Although, looking back at that sentence, I think I can guess with fair accuracy.

I've been thinking of all sorts of little witticisms that I could write here, but naturally now that my hour has come, all of them have completely drifted out of my mind, not unlike snow falling off of a sloped roof and landing with a vicious KLUMPF! on an unwitting someone's head down below.

...You know, I don't feel crappy at all, but I'm going by a structure here, so I can't change it just because I'm feeling 'creative' all out of order or something equally noxious. When you're doing things in a pattern, it's often most effective to stick to it. Keeps me honest.

So (in a conversational tone of voice)--Tuesdays, Tuesdays, Tuesdays, Tuesdays...
Where to begin? And where to let off? And how to start? And if I keep up this train of thought I'll end up with They Might Be Giants lyrics, so I think I'll stop before I start. (You see what I mean?)

I was thinking a bit ago that there was a bit of amusement to be found in The Two Towers. Are you familiar with the parodies that scamper about being silly which consist of retelling the story, but in a much-abbreviated and much more ridiculous format? The Very Secret Diaries somewhat fall under this category, but are not exactly what I am thinking of. Ah, well. Perhaps linkmonkey may prove edifying, should you be further curious as to whereof I speak. To continue my ever-derailing train of thought, I had a little conversation between Faramir and the hobbits and Gollum and Osgiliath in my head the other day. I shall transcribe it here, possibly as a source of amusement, and possibly so that you may all consider me in very bad taste and whup me a good one the next time you see me.

Here goes nothing:
What follows is a "brief" clipping from the "movie", set after Frodo and his gardener, Samwise, have been "captured" by Captain Faramir and his Band of Merry Men. Contains much parody and lots of very silly "references".

Faramir: Who are you?
Sam & Frodo: We're hobbits, and we're on a mission.
Faramir: An impossible mission?
Hobbits: Yes. Very much so. You should let us go immediately, if not sooner.
Gollum (far away): Yay! Fish!
Sam (mentally): *turns up nose*
Faramir: Hm. I'll think about it. What's that shiny thing about your neck?
Frodo: It's--nothing! Nothing at all!! (my preciousssss...)
Faramir: Well. Hm. All right then. Come with us.
Hobbits: Noooo!!!!
Faramir: *evil smirk* Heh. I'm the villain of this scene, though I don't deserve to be. Blindfold them, my Merry Men! We'll have some hobbity-fun tonight *aside*(Though I admit I'm not certain exactly what a 'hobbit' is...ah, well. Worry about that later.)
Frodo: Unhand me!
Sam: Unhand him!
Faramir: ...Sorry, but we've got you beat sixteen to two. Away with us to our secret camp! Oh, and who was that fellow with you earlier? You know, the one with the fishbreath?
Frodo: ...Nobody, that is, no-one in particular.
Faramir: I don't beliieeeve you....
Sam: ...he's just a nasty sneakin--
Frodo: NOBODY.
Faramir: ...Well, alright then. Let's go.
hobbits are bound and marched to The Secret Hideout
Faramir: Now go to sleep. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
Hobbits: ...!?
Readers: ...O_O;;
Faramir: I told you that I was the villain of this scene. You didn't believe me? Silly you.
Gollum: Fish-fish! Fishity-fish! They're the the most delish! I wish for fish!
Faramir: ...GodDAMN, but he's ugly.
Sam: Got to agree with you there, sir, if you don't mind my saying so.
Faramir: All right now, Frodo. All you have to do is take this doggy biscuit and hold it out...
Frodo: But...loyalty! Friendship! Honor!
Faramir: Look, either you catch him, or we shoot him. Suit yourself.
Frodo: Don't hurt him, okay?
Sam: *aside* Not that I'd mind much...
Frodo: *gives Sam a dirty look* I heard that.
Faramir: On the count of three, boys! One, Two, Five--
Random Greensman No. 1: Three, sir!
Faramir: THR--
Frodo: STOP! I'll do it!
Gollum: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish! Dead fish, eat fish!
All: ...okay, that was unnecessary.
Gollum: Just saying my lines here, don't blame me...
Frodo: C'mere boy! Nice Smeagol! Good boy! Come to Master! *holds out biscuit*
Gollum: *pant pant* WOOF! AAAAAAAAAIIIIEEE!!!
Faramir: Got him, boys? All right, let's interrogate him. You, Greensman No. 1, take those hobbits and throw 'em back in the hole.
Gollum: Nassssty hobbitssess! Servesss them right!
Faramir: You're coming with me, my schizophrenic friend.
Gollum: No, no! Smeagol is a nice Gollum! Or, wait...was it...*dissolves into incomprehensible ramblings*
Faramir: Yes, that's what I thought. Now tell me about your mother...
Gollum: Aiiiyaaaa! He's gotsss it--my preciousss--!! My birthday present--!
Faramir: *feigning interest* Oh, really? And how old are you then?
Gollum: *dirty look* None of its business. Rude to be asking.
Faramir: Ah, well. Never hurts to ask. Now about that ring...
Gollum: Oh, well, was that all you wanted? *expounds at length on Ring of Power*
Faramir: O_O; You don't say. Hm. Well. This will certainly be something to think about.
Gollum: *incoherent sobbing*
Faramir: *pats Gollum on the head* Don't cry, boy. We'll get you back to your Master soon enough.
Gollum: *happy wagging and cringing*
Faramir: *wipes hand carefully on tunic* Now to go think about this.
Faramir ponders with a vapidly devious look on his face.
Faramir: Wellllll....
Osgiliath: HELP!!!!
Faramir: Well, that tears it. I can't very well leave my city to die. Come on hobbits, we're going to Gondor--laaaaaaaaaand of the freeeeeeee and hoooome of the braaaaaaave~~~!
All: *covering their ears*
....and so they marched off to Osgiliath and what happened then depends greatly on whether you watched the movie or read the book, in which case they didn't go there at all and Faramir was not the villain.

Okay, done now. You may beat on me at will next time you see me.
*sigh* I wish I were witty, but all my best lines are borrowed.