One year gone...
10/9/07 08:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alasanonWith no chance of sleep, I'm following my trails here and there, rediscovering what lies behind doors number one through twelve.
What you'll find beyond the cuts are four-and-twenty-poems, two for every month that's passed; some are good, some bad, all were pressed into shape by me (and some are still doughy in the middle!). They are in no specific order.
Enjoy.
1.
The princess who saved herself
The spell broke early and I crept
from my deathbed through the halls;
dust bringing tears to my eyes
the years pushing me to my knees.
I wended my way to the thorns
(their writhing is done for I
am no prince for them to impale
--to sting to stab to hold fast--)
and though they were hushed as the statues
that line the courtyard
there were spaces between
that a girl might slip through,
and emerge blinking
into the sunlight.
Tattered now, my gown of fine velvet
a hindrance to my escape
I shredded the skirt
and bandaged my bleeding feet with
a tired lack of grace
Alone now, awake for the first time,
I dream of simple lives, of swimming
and apples and spinning wheels
without curses.
2.
delicious
these patterns i cut into an apple
sliced neatly red into white
add the cheddar (sharp and old)
tumble it onto a plate
my stomach turns to remember your hands
resting on the side of the tub
waiting to hold me slippery-clean
and make me into your image
3.
dinner out
it was deliberate
but you knew that
and liked my tiny
almost imperceptible cruelties
i would perform
them for no one else
4.
To begin--
a word, a simple word--
a greeting.
Completed, followed into--
a hug, not so hard--
affection.
Expressed, trailing into--
a kiss, simple, sweet--
difficult.
Explained, it goes thru--
lust, contained, barely--
passion.
5.
italicize
I don't want to sleep
I don't want to stay up
I just want a drink
from the dried-out cup
I wonder where night is
I wonder where I
can catch a sip
from the pitcher in the sky
6.
meteor showers, 1:32 am, 12 August 2007
my mind is elsewhere
meanwhile
the omnipresent city glow
the dampness of the grass
and itchy shuffle of the blankets
and the hesitant creak of
leather jackets
one on each side
7.
True, but a lie nonetheless.
I love him I do
he's nothing I need
but some things are true
and feelings recede
in hours alone
like the world is on hold
I sink like the stone
until I am told
to silence my heart
to silence my heart.
Things are never so simple
and the ones you love are
not always the ones you should have.
8.
The Memorial
Walking to the circle, the sun in your eyes
a sense of dread, not wanting to see
do i belong here? is my grief so valid, in comparison?
you listen, to their stories, their songs, their plaintive attempts to encompass all that he was
and you know, the only person who would understand why you're here
is just over there, just out of sight
and the sounds of sobs echo gently around the clearing, drowned out by the sounds of the aeroplanes overhead
and the warmth of the day is heavy over this circle of grief
and you can feel your tongue, your throat, full of sand--words won't come
until----
the circle is joined, the round droplets of grief congealing
into a ball in the center, growing larger with every word his mother says
and the sadness grows, and their palms are dry in yours, and you are all alone, together
remembering him
and the skin of the bubble grows thin and it pops
scattering tears and a sense of solidarity
everyone cries, you can see it hear it sense it all around
and the sand melts, runs down your face, and you can't stop crying, even after they have let go your hands
but you all talk, the words starting to flow along with the tears
and there's one person there who understands your grief
knows why you had to be here to say
goodbye.
9.
Softcore
Softcore, let's be pornstars
While away the hours f*cking with the flowers
Carrying on a conversation while we
screw screw screw
until the cameras stop
Softcore, let's be pornstars
making money on our backs
Hugh Hefner, look at this ass
Make me money, make me money
make me feel so bad.
It's a job like eating dirt
But while you're there you can't be hurt
by people who mean well
people who say:
'let's see each other again someday'
Softcore, let's be pornstars
losing lifetimes through the cracks
You know you want to come with me
so hard, so soft, we'll make it
for the public eye
Baby, we can be stars, and they'll wish
on our shining derrieres
Softcore, honey doll, let's be pornstars
Just like playing house
Just like we used to be
Just like we used
10.
Purest, purer, pure.
Drifting
backwards into a dream
I find myself floating.
11.
A non-issue that arises with a sense of finesse.
I wish that I
were not so
little of a dreamer
I wish I were
but there are many things
I have forgotten
many things I have
deliberately put aside
My dreams, when they come
are quiet.
12.
revenant whisper
I still hear your voice
echoing through the distance
I have put between us
though there are no bonds
no words of faith
I still hear your voice
13.
over the course of several cups of tea
conversation has paused
our eyes dance here and
there, unwilling to meet
steam no longer rises
from the heavy clay pot
14.
sacrificial brush
i drew for you often and early
and still only a third
of what you asked of me
hoping you'd remember
how to hold a brush
15.
thank you, but no.
your generosity was more than appreciated
but your censure was never invited
and, as such, is subject to
my lightest disregard
16.
Tenuous
There is a promise here
that I cannot keep, which is
fortunate, as you're not asking
me to make it.
Your eyes leave me no room for
questions, so clear and light and
empty of confusion.
17.
there is joy here and ease
in your breath, safe as houses
each word comes close
to spilling over
but never breaks
the surface tension
18.
marginal
if you died i would write you
a book, with your name
on every page and your eyes
drawn into the margins
i already know the ending
it will be your eulogy
and in it she will
die, eaten from within
by love
sinking into eternity
like a stone with
wings of light
19.
Andersen's Tale
Each lie we told each other
cut to the quick, each moment
we stole from someone else to
cover each other in a warm
blanket of regard, left another
layer of snow, until we had
frozen each other in time and
were as ice queens placing silent
shards into each other's hearts
20.
A match, lit, smokes for a while.
A torch, lit by that match, smokes for hours.
A bonfire, lit by that torch, can smoke for days.
A forest fire, lit by that bonfire, can smoke for weeks.
The conflagration builds, grows, hiding miles of territory under the smoke.
Meanwhile, that match, the first match, is incinerated.
21.
wireless
stress has pulled me threadlike
attenuated and fine
wound around your fingers
until the blood runs free
and time stops
and I am silent
22.
to make me happy
honesty
would have been
nice
23.
Levels of intimacy.
A kiss at the door is worth two in the bed.
A hand at your heart is worth two in your head
I can hold you so close and never touch you once
But you can't touch me at all
you can't touch me--but you call
You call my sorrow.
24.
remembrance
and i will look to you in the morning
and i will look to you at night
and i will stare at you at midday
and in the cold midnight
and the paths you follow lose me
and the way you walk is shy
and you stare into the distance
a gravestone in your eye
I was aiming for fifty-two, but got lost on the way.
What you'll find beyond the cuts are four-and-twenty-poems, two for every month that's passed; some are good, some bad, all were pressed into shape by me (and some are still doughy in the middle!). They are in no specific order.
Enjoy.
1.
The princess who saved herself
The spell broke early and I crept
from my deathbed through the halls;
dust bringing tears to my eyes
the years pushing me to my knees.
I wended my way to the thorns
(their writhing is done for I
am no prince for them to impale
--to sting to stab to hold fast--)
and though they were hushed as the statues
that line the courtyard
there were spaces between
that a girl might slip through,
and emerge blinking
into the sunlight.
Tattered now, my gown of fine velvet
a hindrance to my escape
I shredded the skirt
and bandaged my bleeding feet with
a tired lack of grace
Alone now, awake for the first time,
I dream of simple lives, of swimming
and apples and spinning wheels
without curses.
2.
delicious
these patterns i cut into an apple
sliced neatly red into white
add the cheddar (sharp and old)
tumble it onto a plate
my stomach turns to remember your hands
resting on the side of the tub
waiting to hold me slippery-clean
and make me into your image
3.
dinner out
it was deliberate
but you knew that
and liked my tiny
almost imperceptible cruelties
i would perform
them for no one else
4.
To begin--
a word, a simple word--
a greeting.
Completed, followed into--
a hug, not so hard--
affection.
Expressed, trailing into--
a kiss, simple, sweet--
difficult.
Explained, it goes thru--
lust, contained, barely--
passion.
5.
italicize
I don't want to sleep
I don't want to stay up
I just want a drink
from the dried-out cup
I wonder where night is
I wonder where I
can catch a sip
from the pitcher in the sky
6.
meteor showers, 1:32 am, 12 August 2007
my mind is elsewhere
meanwhile
the omnipresent city glow
the dampness of the grass
and itchy shuffle of the blankets
and the hesitant creak of
leather jackets
one on each side
7.
True, but a lie nonetheless.
I love him I do
he's nothing I need
but some things are true
and feelings recede
in hours alone
like the world is on hold
I sink like the stone
until I am told
to silence my heart
to silence my heart.
Things are never so simple
and the ones you love are
not always the ones you should have.
8.
The Memorial
Walking to the circle, the sun in your eyes
a sense of dread, not wanting to see
do i belong here? is my grief so valid, in comparison?
you listen, to their stories, their songs, their plaintive attempts to encompass all that he was
and you know, the only person who would understand why you're here
is just over there, just out of sight
and the sounds of sobs echo gently around the clearing, drowned out by the sounds of the aeroplanes overhead
and the warmth of the day is heavy over this circle of grief
and you can feel your tongue, your throat, full of sand--words won't come
until----
the circle is joined, the round droplets of grief congealing
into a ball in the center, growing larger with every word his mother says
and the sadness grows, and their palms are dry in yours, and you are all alone, together
remembering him
and the skin of the bubble grows thin and it pops
scattering tears and a sense of solidarity
everyone cries, you can see it hear it sense it all around
and the sand melts, runs down your face, and you can't stop crying, even after they have let go your hands
but you all talk, the words starting to flow along with the tears
and there's one person there who understands your grief
knows why you had to be here to say
goodbye.
9.
Softcore
Softcore, let's be pornstars
While away the hours f*cking with the flowers
Carrying on a conversation while we
screw screw screw
until the cameras stop
Softcore, let's be pornstars
making money on our backs
Hugh Hefner, look at this ass
Make me money, make me money
make me feel so bad.
It's a job like eating dirt
But while you're there you can't be hurt
by people who mean well
people who say:
'let's see each other again someday'
Softcore, let's be pornstars
losing lifetimes through the cracks
You know you want to come with me
so hard, so soft, we'll make it
for the public eye
Baby, we can be stars, and they'll wish
on our shining derrieres
Softcore, honey doll, let's be pornstars
Just like playing house
Just like we used to be
Just like we used
10.
Purest, purer, pure.
Drifting
backwards into a dream
I find myself floating.
11.
A non-issue that arises with a sense of finesse.
I wish that I
were not so
little of a dreamer
I wish I were
but there are many things
I have forgotten
many things I have
deliberately put aside
My dreams, when they come
are quiet.
12.
revenant whisper
I still hear your voice
echoing through the distance
I have put between us
though there are no bonds
no words of faith
I still hear your voice
13.
over the course of several cups of tea
conversation has paused
our eyes dance here and
there, unwilling to meet
steam no longer rises
from the heavy clay pot
14.
sacrificial brush
i drew for you often and early
and still only a third
of what you asked of me
hoping you'd remember
how to hold a brush
15.
your generosity was more than appreciated
but your censure was never invited
and, as such, is subject to
my lightest disregard
16.
Tenuous
There is a promise here
that I cannot keep, which is
fortunate, as you're not asking
me to make it.
Your eyes leave me no room for
questions, so clear and light and
empty of confusion.
17.
there is joy here and ease
in your breath, safe as houses
each word comes close
to spilling over
but never breaks
the surface tension
18.
marginal
if you died i would write you
a book, with your name
on every page and your eyes
drawn into the margins
i already know the ending
it will be your eulogy
and in it she will
die, eaten from within
by love
sinking into eternity
like a stone with
wings of light
19.
Andersen's Tale
Each lie we told each other
cut to the quick, each moment
we stole from someone else to
cover each other in a warm
blanket of regard, left another
layer of snow, until we had
frozen each other in time and
were as ice queens placing silent
shards into each other's hearts
20.
A match, lit, smokes for a while.
A torch, lit by that match, smokes for hours.
A bonfire, lit by that torch, can smoke for days.
A forest fire, lit by that bonfire, can smoke for weeks.
The conflagration builds, grows, hiding miles of territory under the smoke.
Meanwhile, that match, the first match, is incinerated.
21.
wireless
stress has pulled me threadlike
attenuated and fine
wound around your fingers
until the blood runs free
and time stops
and I am silent
22.
to make me happy
honesty
would have been
nice
23.
Levels of intimacy.
A kiss at the door is worth two in the bed.
A hand at your heart is worth two in your head
I can hold you so close and never touch you once
But you can't touch me at all
you can't touch me--but you call
You call my sorrow.
24.
remembrance
and i will look to you in the morning
and i will look to you at night
and i will stare at you at midday
and in the cold midnight
and the paths you follow lose me
and the way you walk is shy
and you stare into the distance
a gravestone in your eye
I was aiming for fifty-two, but got lost on the way.
