![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alasanonI often feel as though I am curtained off from many people by a heavy veil of self. They find me confusing, conflicting, or obtuse, and I find them easily distracted, and pointlessly complicated--not complex, which is a state I enjoy, but full of excess complication. There's always a simpler answer to a confusing question. To me, complex is a thousand thousand beautiful shades of gray, and complicated is a vulgar mass of black and white static.
It's not that I mean to be difficult to fathom, because, as far as I am concerned, it's all there, set out in words and pictures, sound and vision, light and colour, everything, every thought, every feeling--you just have to be interested in looking at what's there and sometimes interested in asking me questions. "Keep going," is the only hint I could ever give anyone trying to grasp the person that I am, could be, might be, will be. (Actually, I'd recommend not trying and just accepting, but if you must try, and most people prefer that route to pure acceptance, then you must.)
It's not my duty to explain myself--it's not your duty to try to understand my every word or action. It's my duty to be myself, to change and grow and shift and learn, and it's yours to do the same, to learn what you are, and accept that self and all the myriad changes it will go through. The more you second-guess me, the worse you will become at actually seeing what is there. Likewise, the more I second-guess you, the less likely it is that I will treat you fairly, or see you for what you are. The best I can do is to see what you would want me to see. I can never make more than a stab in the dark as to your motivations because I can never crawl inside your head to see what you are truly thinking. All I have to work on is your actions and your words regarding your actions, and the same holds true for you regarding me.
One can make as many theories regarding what someone is doing or why, and the only truism that will hold water is that no one will ever know what is going on as long as your behavior regarding the matter is based on those theories.
I think about these things, sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when all the little birdies are a-bed.
to sleep in the hours we wake in
to wake in the hours we sleep in
i have found the wake of a boat
in the river of dreams that i leap in
It's not that I mean to be difficult to fathom, because, as far as I am concerned, it's all there, set out in words and pictures, sound and vision, light and colour, everything, every thought, every feeling--you just have to be interested in looking at what's there and sometimes interested in asking me questions. "Keep going," is the only hint I could ever give anyone trying to grasp the person that I am, could be, might be, will be. (Actually, I'd recommend not trying and just accepting, but if you must try, and most people prefer that route to pure acceptance, then you must.)
It's not my duty to explain myself--it's not your duty to try to understand my every word or action. It's my duty to be myself, to change and grow and shift and learn, and it's yours to do the same, to learn what you are, and accept that self and all the myriad changes it will go through. The more you second-guess me, the worse you will become at actually seeing what is there. Likewise, the more I second-guess you, the less likely it is that I will treat you fairly, or see you for what you are. The best I can do is to see what you would want me to see. I can never make more than a stab in the dark as to your motivations because I can never crawl inside your head to see what you are truly thinking. All I have to work on is your actions and your words regarding your actions, and the same holds true for you regarding me.
One can make as many theories regarding what someone is doing or why, and the only truism that will hold water is that no one will ever know what is going on as long as your behavior regarding the matter is based on those theories.
I think about these things, sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when all the little birdies are a-bed.
to sleep in the hours we wake in
to wake in the hours we sleep in
i have found the wake of a boat
in the river of dreams that i leap in
