Tuesdays...
3/11/03 03:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alasanon..................no. I don't want it to be a Tuesday. I don't want it to be any day. I want to keep hiding, keep running from whatever it is that I'm in such a state about. I'm ignoring almost everyone, everything, time passes by like it's in a bucket with a hole that cannot be fixed with a straw or stone. dear liza...
This is how I feel when things are getting ugly inside my skull.
This is how I feel when I'm suddenly confused or terrified or upset about nothing...
nothing...?
nothing...!
(tra-la-la?)
This is the journal that exists as an almost-art-piece, testament to my consistent lack of interest in day-to-day-life and love-of-hyphens (parenthetical statements) ...-ellipses- and words that don't really follow each other following each other into the breach.
This is not a journal where I keep my feelings that last. This is not a place I go to to hide when things get too tough to keep going. This is my regularly scheduled program, my system update file.
This is not a place that needs to be understood.
Don't worry about it, guys. I'll feel better in the morning.
It's just that...
just...
that...
(hahaha...I am avoiding doing the dishes...you surely knew that I wouldn't be here if I weren't avoiding something--after all, didn't I say that at the beginning?)
I don't know why it's always late at night or early in the morning (acc'ding to your desires), and the blonde boy is sleeping behind me and everything is quiet and I'm so damnably awake, and there's no end in sight to this night---------------...
And I suddenly just want to feel more alone than I do already. It's like I want to stay here, curled in the heart of the feeling of desolation, but I know I can't. I'll have to sleep sometime (somehow) and get up in the morning; go to work; do my job; try not to fall asleep because it's so quiet and cold and there's nothing I'd rather do...
I know I'll have to stop wandering about here sometime. I've got something to do. (besides the dishes, I'm not really sure...I'll think of something. ...maybe?)
Hnf. Livejournal seems to be down, so I'm just going to keep typing until it tells me I can't anymore, or until the site comes back up. Either way, it doesn't matter to me.
There are things...things I don't know how well I can express to people who live outside my own head...but that I sometimes feel I ought to. When I figure out how to melt the reserve off of my skin, I'll tell them to the people who need to hear them. I may have to go forth and become a somewhat different person first, however.
There are things...things I don't want to discuss with people outside my own head. Fortunately (in a mad switch of personality), I don't need to.
Since my sense of time and sense of humour are getting decidedly unraveled the longer I go along...I think my best course of action here is to stop typing. The site's back up, so...so....
If only tonight...
This is how I feel when things are getting ugly inside my skull.
This is how I feel when I'm suddenly confused or terrified or upset about nothing...
nothing...?
nothing...!
(tra-la-la?)
This is the journal that exists as an almost-art-piece, testament to my consistent lack of interest in day-to-day-life and love-of-hyphens (parenthetical statements) ...-ellipses- and words that don't really follow each other following each other into the breach.
This is not a journal where I keep my feelings that last. This is not a place I go to to hide when things get too tough to keep going. This is my regularly scheduled program, my system update file.
This is not a place that needs to be understood.
Don't worry about it, guys. I'll feel better in the morning.
It's just that...
just...
that...
(hahaha...I am avoiding doing the dishes...you surely knew that I wouldn't be here if I weren't avoiding something--after all, didn't I say that at the beginning?)
I don't know why it's always late at night or early in the morning (acc'ding to your desires), and the blonde boy is sleeping behind me and everything is quiet and I'm so damnably awake, and there's no end in sight to this night---------------...
And I suddenly just want to feel more alone than I do already. It's like I want to stay here, curled in the heart of the feeling of desolation, but I know I can't. I'll have to sleep sometime (somehow) and get up in the morning; go to work; do my job; try not to fall asleep because it's so quiet and cold and there's nothing I'd rather do...
I know I'll have to stop wandering about here sometime. I've got something to do. (besides the dishes, I'm not really sure...I'll think of something. ...maybe?)
Hnf. Livejournal seems to be down, so I'm just going to keep typing until it tells me I can't anymore, or until the site comes back up. Either way, it doesn't matter to me.
There are things...things I don't know how well I can express to people who live outside my own head...but that I sometimes feel I ought to. When I figure out how to melt the reserve off of my skin, I'll tell them to the people who need to hear them. I may have to go forth and become a somewhat different person first, however.
There are things...things I don't want to discuss with people outside my own head. Fortunately (in a mad switch of personality), I don't need to.
Since my sense of time and sense of humour are getting decidedly unraveled the longer I go along...I think my best course of action here is to stop typing. The site's back up, so...so....
If only tonight...
